Self-talk lessons from a toddler

You did it! You got up and did your life today!

I am lucky to know many excellent mamas who treat their very young children with respect and dignity, allowing them to make age-appropriate decisions as often as possible.

One such mama shared a story that we can all learn from as we strive to accomplish great things in life. Great things such as weaning and potty-training.

One day, while having a snuggle after breast-feeding, this mama said to her toddler, "When you get to be a big girl, you will wean. That means you won't nurse anymore. Everybody weans when they get big -- me, Daddy, your brother, your cousin. So whenever you're ready to do it, you just have to tell me, 'Mommy, I'm ready to wean!' and then you'll be a big girl and you won't nurse anymore!"

The little girl (we’ll call her Emmie) took it all in and apparently gave it some thought. The very next day, she exclaimed triumphantly, "I weeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaan!" And thereby, she weaned herself.

Amusingly, Emmie took this to mean that she was now officially A Big Girl and was now entitled to use playground equipment and household items that were still far beyond her developmental level (being a big girl, after all, is relative).

Emmie was so proud of her weaning that she told her friends and family. "I weeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaan!" she would say to her grandparents, her friend's dad, her neighbor.

This little girl is currently tackling potty-training with a similar amount of pride and passion, although it is a slower process. M&Ms and books read while on the potty are her rewards.

I think there is a lot to learn from Emmie. First of all, how wonderful that she has a mother who allows her to reach developmental milestones in her own time and on her own schedule.

It is not a race.

How often do we chide ourselves for being too slow, or too lazy, or too unsure of ourselves? The reality is, it takes what it takes. There is no point in berating ourselves for what we are not doing.

We all wean. We all potty-train. Just about all of us learn to walk and talk and take care of ourselves. If you have bigger goals (and you probably do), you will achieve those, too. All in good time. 

Emmie, with her toddler's wisdom, also shows us that pride is a good thing.

Pride has strange, contradictory connotations. So, to be clear, I'm not talking about vainglory. When I use the word pride, I mean it in the sense of, "Yay, I did something hard and I'm going to dance around and take a minute to congratulate myself, the same way I would for someone else!"

We are quick give each other the positive reinforcement that we would deny ourselves. This is not only sad but also counterproductive, since behavioral science tells us that taking a moment to feel proud of something you did makes it more likely that you will do more things to make yourself proud. It just feels good.

Like Emmie, we should celebrate our accomplishments, even if they seem insignificant. Even if others have accomplished the exact same thing. Everybody weans — but this is the first time Emmie has weaned. It’s not to be taken for granted.

Sure, you're not going to give yourself and M&M every time you use the bathroom (if you do, be sure to wash your hands first). You may not holler the equivalent of, "I weeeeeaaaaaaaaaaan!" when you finally send that email you’ve been meaning to send for three weeks. But it’s more fun if you do.

For so many of us, as soon as we jump over one hurdle, we're setting our sights on the next one. We recalibrate our expectations to where we are now, not where we've been. But only ever looking at how far you have to go can be discouraging. We benefit from noticing what's going well, appreciating where we are, and marveling at how far we’ve come.

If I could go back in time and find that (evidently not apocryphal) first piano teacher who believed that discouragement and shame was a better learning environment than encouragement and pride, I would smack her knuckles with a ruler.

No, I wouldn't. I would figure out what she was doing well and praise that. There has to be something. Chances are, she was weaned, potty-trained, and even learned how to dress herself.

Can you think of any areas of your own life where you could do a better job of appreciating your own success? Do you think it will make a difference in your ability to move forward with a challenge?