Why we stay in bad situations and how to break out
Mud keeps you cool, but it also makes you kinda dirty. (Image by Kevin Phillips from Pixabay)
I’ve talked to many families over the years who have told me how much they love my school program — but won’t be enrolling their child.
It goes something like, “We love your school and we’ve gone around and around on how to make it work, but she doesn’t want to leave her friends.”
It is entirely possible that these people are just saying that to be nice, but I think there’s more to it.
It seems related to a logical fallacy that Cal Newport points out in his book Digital Minimalism. Newport suggests that people tend to be hesitant to give up an activity or situation that has any benefit, despite the unwanted downsides.
Further, many people tend to prefer “the devil you know” and stick with a situation that is causing a known and predictable amount of misery rather than trust in the promise of an end to such misery.
Though we have many families who seek us out when times are good, many others come to me in the middle of the year because their child is unhappy at school to the point of daily tears and frustration, overwhelmed with homework, in conflict with teachers, is not being appropriately challenged, has no time for family life and favorite activities, is bored and unmotivated, is tormented by peers, or expresses a sense of hopelessness about school.
And yet they choose to stay — to grit their teeth and get through it.
Sometimes it gets better for them. For some it does not, and they might even reach out a year or two later and decide to enroll in our program after all. Then, when they see the transformation in their child, they say, “We wish we had started with you sooner.”
I never want to push anyone to do something they aren’t ready to do, but I do hate to see kids suffering, especially when it’s avoidable.
More broadly, by sharing what I see, I am hoping to encourage my fellow humans to question some of the assumptions that lead to less-than-optimal decisions in all areas of life.
In that context, I assert the following: A decision made out of fear is not a good one.
Fear keeps us chained to situations that aren’t working, whether it’s because we’ve outgrown them or they never fit us in the first place. It makes us unable to see all of our options, highlighting only those that prevent loss or have a clear and definable payoff. It prevents us from seeing the unknown upside of changing or the known downside of staying the same.
When we can set the fear aside, we may find more options than just the two we originally identified: stay or go. We can weigh multiple factors and consciously decide which ones are most important to us. And if we decide to stay, we can acknowledge that as a decision, not just the status quo, and still make the changes that will make such a decision tolerable.
As I tell the families in crisis whom I encounter, “You are not just deciding whether to attend my school or stay at your current school. You first have to decide whether to leave your current school, and then you decide where to go.” This removes the pressure from the conversation and is more likely to lead to an outcome that is driven not by fear and aversion to loss, but by the pursuit of growth and joy.
If you find yourself (or your child) stuck in an unhappy situation, there is hope. It is understandable that the fear of the unknown might outweigh the discomfort of the circumstances, but simply being aware of this dynamic may help you summon the courage to explore your options and move forward, whatever that means for you. And even if “moving forward” means making the best of things as they are for the time being, that is still a posture of growth. Things are changing beneath the surface. In time, as you practice making decisions based on growth rather than fear, you will find yourself heading toward the life you want.