Are you sure you want to fight this feedback?
Now is not the time to argue with your superior officer. (San Diego Air and Space Museum)
“You’re going too fast. There are cars parked on both sides of the road.”
“I’m fine, I’m under the speed limit.”
Ugh, backseat drivers are the worst, aren’t they? But when it’s your mom and you are an unlicensed teenage driver, it behooves you to listen. Her feedback is not just pesky, controlling nonsense — it’s exactly what you need.
But there we are: Sometimes, we’re so defensive that we will push back against perceived criticism even when the cost is potential death. How do we get past it? For me, a few things have helped:
Recognize the pattern. When I realize that I’m behaving just like the teenage driver — irrationally pushing back against feedback — I can playfully acknowledge the dynamic, even if it’s only to myself. “Oh, wow! I just got really defensive.” This reduces some of the emotional intensity.
Don’t keep score. It could be frustrating that my mentor is right so often. It could make me feel inadequate. But I don’t have to see it that way. My mentor isn’t here to make me feel small. On the contrary, he’s just trying to help me grow. I don’t have to compete with him or keep a tally of each of our missteps.
Develop a practice of compassion for others. When someone else messes up, I don’t find joy in that. I don’t relish being “right” for its own sake. I look to celebrate their growth. Being in the mentor role with others — and handling their defensiveness gently — has made it easier for me to be on the receiving end of feedback.
Ask for the feedback. When I’ve been proactive in asking for and expecting feedback, it is less painful to receive negative or corrective feedback. I’m primed for it and ready to be responsive to it.
Keep a balanced view. The human brain, constantly alert to danger, will allow corrective feedback to eclipse compliments and praise. “You’re always criticizing me!” I have to realize that there are plenty of neutral and positive moments in my life. I don’t need to be undone by one mistake that someone noticed and called me on.
It may never be easy to respond to criticism or even gentle corrective feedback, but it is nearly impossible to interact with other human beings on a regular basis without experiencing it. And as a matter of fact, it can be an excellent stimulus for growth. The more we can recognize feedback as normal and even valuable, the easier it will be to handle it without getting defensive.
Are there certain areas where feedback is easier for you to receive than others? Are there certain people who make it especially hard (or easy) for you to receive it? I’d love to hear your comments.