Discomfort isn't a good enough reason not to

The weather isn’t bad if you’re dressed for it. (Image by Elle Ritter)

I’ve been teaching some online songwriting classes for kids.

It’s been a lot of fun. We’re making up silly lyrics about tacos and learning to jam a little bit.

These kids have varying levels of participation. Some of them are all in, chanting rhythms and offering little bits of melody. Some will sing along when they’re on mute but refuse to turn on their mics to share what they are doing. Some will propose some lyrics or answer questions in the chat. And some won’t contribute at all — their participation is limited to observation.

This is expected behavior for kids, especially in a group setting. We learn what to do by watching others; not everyone is in the habit of being the first. As they grow, children get more comfortable in a wide range of activities.

A problem arises when we develop a pattern of refusing to take their turn when the moment comes. The more we avoid the discomfort, we deepen this pattern. In extreme cases, even activities like going to school or work are intolerable. Our world gets smaller and smaller.

When it comes to raising kids — or developing ourselves — it’s important to realize that discomfort isn’t a good enough reason to skip something. In fact, discomfort is the engine of our growth. Discomfort is meant to be pursued, not avoided.

As babies, reaching for a toy that is just beyond our grasp causes us to stretch. The stretch can be a little uncomfortable because we’re not used to it. But without that stretch, we don’t get the toy and we don’t move forward. Literally — we don’t even learn to crawl or walk.

Ten or or twenty or thirty years later, we are still stretching and reaching, thereby increasing our capacity to get what we want and our confidence in being able to achieve what we set out to do. Obviously, we’re not helped by our parents or anyone else putting the metaphorical toy right in front of us.

And yet, we might have areas where we can’t tolerate the discomfort we’re experiencing. A phone call, a blank page, a green vegetable, a math problem…these things send us scurrying back to the familiar, known, and predictable, repelled by feeling uncertain, frustrated, slow, or awkward.

I’ve learned that being successful doesn’t mean that you don’t have these feelings. No, it’s just that they aren’t deal-breakers. Discomfort doesn’t mean danger — it’s not actual pain. A good stretch hurts a little, but in a way that feels great once you’re accustomed to it. You might, in fact, seek that feeling. You lean into it instead of away from it. That’s what high achievers learn to do.

I did an assignment recently for an online course, and it felt like my brain was breaking. For eight hours over the course of two days, I thought and typed, thought some more…reviewed the material, thought and typed. It was so hard, but I’m used to that — I embrace it. I know by now that the way to grasp the concepts is to do the work. Sure, I can whine about it for a bit, but then I get back in there. It’s good for me — it reminds me what my students go through.

I know that not everyone does this. But anyone can. The voice in your head may be screaming at you, “You’re so stupid! Why can’t you get this? Why is this taking so long? Everyone else can do this! Why can’t you?” But you can do the work anyway. It may be really uncomfortable — even pretty excruciating, actually — but it will get easier the more you practice it. You don’t have to be controlled by that voice; in time, you can learn to control it.

Our muscles get stronger when we repeatedly subject them to loads that are too heavy to be comfortable. Our mental processes aren’t so different. Whatever you’re wanting to achieve, you can get there — it will be your tolerance of the discomfort along the way that makes the difference. You might be delighted to discover how amazing it feels.