Advice on advice
Where should I go? (National Library of Ireland)
My Brother, My Brother, & Me, a long-running podcast from brothers Justin, Travis, & Griffin McElroy, bills itself as “an advice show for the modern era” (Justin always pronounces it “modren”).
But this is not an advice show. It is a cleverly executed improv comedy show. The brothers field listener-submitted requests for advice along with selected Yahoo! Answers questions, offering deeply outlandish solutions to the problems presented. For instance, a question from a server in a restaurant about how to accommodate a guest who orders something that isn’t on the menu leads to speculation that perhaps the guest is a ghost who must return every week to the same restaurant until he is given his requested meal and is then gratefully “banished to the hell dimension” in a puff of vapor.
These ridiculous flights of fancy are satisfying because ultimately, sincere advice from strangers is just as useless. Between Reddit communities, Facebook groups, and countless other forums, people are constantly asking deeply personal questions and receiving all kinds of wild suggestions that have far more to do with the advice-giver than the question-asker’s actual circumstances.
I observed a conversation online in which a young woman, let go from her job due to poor performance, was asking about whether to take another job in the same field that would cause her to be her farther away from her boyfriend, who already lives in a different city. Of the dozens of comments from enthusiastic strangers, only one person asked a question to get more information or guide the original poster through a decision-making process. Everyone else confidently told the woman what she should do with her life, based on their own values. The overwhelming majority said, “take the job,” and a handful of people said, “move close to the boyfriend.”
There are so many elements here that are hallmarks of poor decision-making, not by the OP but demonstrated by the commenters: Assuming something is a binary choice when other options are possible. Making a decision or recommendation without all the necessary information. Reasoning that the choice that worked in one set of circumstances must work in another. Letting your ego get involved.
As for the OP, the decision to reach out for help was a good one, but there is much greater payoff when you seek help from experts who are accountable for the guidance they give you. Expert help is more likely to lead to an outcome you can be happy with and often gives you an opportunity to learn valuable skills along the way that you can apply to future situations.
As a teacher and mentor, my preferred approach is to ask questions. I learned this, of course, from my own best teachers and mentors. Neil Bainton, a longtime friend and ad hoc advisor, often asks me a deceptively simple question when I am faced with a decision: “What do you want?” Seth Godin, a mentor from afar, begins with another simple question to help individuals and organizations get clarity on a project: “What is it for?” Good questions stimulate thinking and a sense of possibility.
Sometimes, people just want to be told what to do. Making decisions is painful! But sticking with the discomfort is worth it. It is truly satisfying to witness someone reaching a moment of clarity that they reached through their own best analysis of the situation — and all the more satisfying to experience it, even if the action you must take to move forward is a difficult one.
What advice would I give to the woman at the crossroads in her career? I would encourage her to speak to someone she looks up to and trusts. I would tell her not to take advice from just anybody — but then I’d be giving her advice. Hmm…