What does it mean to try too hard?

Are you impressed yet? (Image by Darilon)

One of the more painful things about teaching middle school is bearing witness to uncomfortable social dynamics and not being able to do anything about it.

Certainly, when there's an opportunity to do so, I will coach a student on how to be more effective in building relationships. But in the moment, it would be inappropriate for me to say anything. Thus, I just have to listen and cringe.

“My dad’s friend has a pet hawk who’s trained to send messages to people.”

“I’ve been to Disney World ten times in the past two years. My grandma takes me whenever I want.”

We tend to hear boastful claims like these when a child doesn't really know how to build authentic relationships. Instead, he creates a shortcut by seeking inauthentic ones. So invested in impressing people, he doesn't seem to realize that his efforts are not actually landing. The harder he tries, the worse his results are and the more he alienates his classmates.

Those of us who are adults have hopefully gotten away from schoolyard boasting. However, we’re not immune to trying too hard to impress others. This dynamic is prevalent on social media, where we're constantly navigating a flow of humblebrags and just plain old brags. It’s a lot to keep up with.

There are many situations in which it behooves us to put ourselves out there. If we want to grow and challenge ourselves, we’ll encounter auditions, job interviews, and parties. We may seek to share art or a new business venture with the world. How do we know when we’re venturing into the realm of trying too hard? 

When we are on a mission to serve others, whether that is through making art, creating things they might want to buy, or sharing our ideas, we will keep ourselves on track by staying focused on that goal. When we find ourselves caring more about what others think about us than whether they are finding value in the work we do, we know we're trying too hard. When we are centered on how something will be perceived and how that reflects on us, we’ve lost the ability to do our work with integrity.

I know I’ve landed myself in that prickly place of caring too much and trying too hard when I can’t seem to make anything. I’m stuck and can’t think clearly. When this happens, I take a break. That might be a break from the task at hand, or it might mean quitting social media for a period of time. I surround myself with people who know “the real me,” and I also take some time for solitude.

After reconnecting with my higher purpose and my most treasured relationships, I can present myself and my work more authentically in the world. I don’t need to try for the approval and validation of others — I’m just over here doing my thing. I feel centered and calm. From that place, I am better able to deal with the rejection and indifference that goes along with sharing my work and myself. I don’t feel the desperate impulse to try harder to get attention and praise.

Making an effort and putting ourselves out there — that’s how we grow. When this feels too painful, it might be because we are trying too hard to impress others or are overly invested in their opinions. Stepping back to reevaluate can make a huge difference. When we stop trying too hard, we are dropping a heavy weight; our work is more buoyant and enjoyable as a result.