Learning is easy -- unlearning takes patience.

It takes some time to turn things around. (SDASM archives)

The human brain is extraordinarily good at optimization.

You do something a few times, and your brain goes, “Okay, I get it — we’re doing it this way from now on.” The neural pathways are strengthened so that next time, it takes less effort to get the same result. Meanwhile, unused pathways are ignored, like decommissioned highways.

Our nervous system facilitates and streamlines our learning. It gives us the so-called “muscle memory” we rely on when it comes to developing complex skills like learning a musical instrument, typing, or skateboarding. It allows us to chunk smaller pieces of information together, like recipes, times tables, and addresses, in order to memorize them.

Our brains are incredible machines. Unfortunately, they also help us to build habits we never intended: Nail-biting when we’re bored. An intense fight-or-flight response whenever there’s a test at school. That F-natural instead of the F-sharp on measure seven. The tendency to start singing “Angel of Music” from Phantom of the Opera whenever one is playing board games. We are at the mercy of our synapses (and, as in the last case, those of others).

Repetition leads to learning, but it doesn’t necessarily lead to growth unless we are deliberately choosing the “right” thing to learn. Otherwise, unwanted ingredients get baked into our cake. Unbaking a cake is impossible — and as you may have noticed, it takes a lot of work to “unlearn” something that has been learned.

There are great books (such as Charles M. Duhigg’s The Power of Habit and Robert Maurer’s One Small Step Can Change Your Life) that deepen our understanding of habits and how we can have more control over them. What I want to contribute to the conversation is this: Whether you are frustrated by how long it is taking to learn something new or how hard it is to quit a habit that no longer serves you, have compassion for yourself — and others who might be in the same boat.

Some habits are powerful indeed, and bring with them changes in the very chemistry of our brains. We often get powerful short-term benefits from doing something that is a terrible idea in the long-term. Our habits get stronger with repetition, meaning that after a few decades we’ve got a juggernaut on our hands. It is normal and understandable that we struggle to change. We hurt ourselves when we pile shame and guilt on top of everything else. It might even prevent us from getting the help and support we need.

This goes for kids, too. It’s true that children’s brains are more plastic than those of adults, but bad habits still become quickly entrenched, especially if there is a reward, such as comfort, involved in the behavior. We are going to get much better results with the children and adolescents in our care if we recognize and offer support for the challenge of breaking a bad habit as opposed to treating the behavior as willful disobedience.

Change isn’t easy, but it’s easier if we forgive ourselves and others for our missteps and failures along the way and reward the steps we take toward where we want to be.

What’s the tiniest thing you can do today toward learning something new or extinguishing an old habit? See what happens if you are a little gentler with yourself.