The search is mutual

Santorini’s eastern shore does not face the famous caldera. It’s not as glamorous, but it’s priced accordingly and attracts a different group. (Image by Michelle Raponi)

When I was in my early twenties, I took a job teaching public school for a very low salary.

Frankly, I could have made more waiting tables, which was the other skill set I possessed.

The challenge was that I’d be working in an area with a shortage of affordable housing. The additional challenge was that I was a bit of a snob who had grown up on the coast and wanted to stay there. I didn’t want to move inland, far from my family (and for that matter, my job). What was I going to do?

I came up with a short list of requirements: A place where I could have a bedroom plus a separate office, in one of a handful of zip codes, for less than $400 a month. Oh yeah, and I wanted an ocean view.

Believe it or not, I found exactly what I was looking for, in a winter rental in York Beach, Maine. It was $750 a month, but no problem—my best friend and I decided to live together, bringing my total portion of the rent down to $375. Even better, it was furnished. I had an ocean view from my bedroom and from my little office.

This kind of thing has happened to me over and over: I list my requirements and find just what I’m seeking. Call it the law of attraction if you want, but we don’t need fake metaphysics to explain it. It comes from being really clear on what I’m looking for and being willing to do the work to find it, but even more importantly, the search is mutual. If I want to lease a property and someone else is in need of a tenant, we are that much more likely to find each other. It’s magical, but it’s also entirely practical.

I’ve been wearing the same three pairs of jeans throughout the entire pandemic, and they’re getting pretty worn out. In the search for the perfect pair of jeans, I’m helped along by a retail website that offers a bunch of different cuts and washes, pictures that show what these various permutations look like on various body types, and a comprehensive, interactive size guide. They’re making it really easy for this transaction to take place: They gain a customer, and I gain a pair of jeans I’m happy with.

This dynamic of mutual search holds true between employers and employees, buyers and sellers of all kinds, rescue animals and their people, and even the world of dating. Whatever you want, there’s probably someone offering it; whatever you have, there’s probably someone who wants it. You simply need to find each other, making use of whatever mechanisms exist for doing that.

The process of finding what you’re looking for can seem very mysterious. That’s because you only know your side of the story. You hang out your shingle and wait for someone to find you without being aware of the nature of their search process. And that’s why, if you happen to want to attract more than one person to you, learning more about that search process will benefit both you and the people you are hoping to serve. You can discover more than one way to connect with them and let them know what you have. Then, it’s a lot less mysterious. It becomes a reliable, replicable process that makes things easier for everyone.

Ironically, doing your own part—putting yourself out there and letting others know that you exist—can be harder than the work of finding the other person. It’s hard to see ourselves clearly and be able to express who we are, what we have to offer, and what makes us unique. There’s nothing wrong with getting help for this process, but it’s also good to practice talking about it every day, just as Inigo Montoya practiced his speech throughout his quest for the six-fingered man in The Princess Bride. And just like Inigo Montoya, we can tell everyone our story so that they can help us spread the word.

Even though I know that clients, employees, colleagues, vendors, and friends come to me through rational, reasonable means, it’s still incredible to discover those moments when I find exactly what I was looking for, I’m able to offer to someone else exactly what they were looking for, or a relationship just clicks. It happens all the time, but it’s still precious and not to be taken for granted. May you find that experience in your own life, as often as you wish.