All of the possible paths
Eventually, every stream, creek, and river finds the sea. (Image by Antonios Ntoumas)
A friend of mine is trying to decide whether to go to college (and if so, when and where).
She’s already done a couple of semesters, but took some time off after a traumatic event. Now what?
A decision like this is very difficult because the stakes are high. There is a ton of available information to explore, yet there is not enough information to make the choice obvious. There is no way to be sure you’re making the right decision, just a decision.
In such a situation, It is unrealistic to explore all of the possible paths because they are infinite. As painful as it is, you’ve got to pick something that works and go with it.
That doesn’t mean that our choice has to be random, but only that it is one option among many viable ones. More than one right answer, though — that’s an uncomfortable proposition for those of us who crave the certainty that school used to pretend to provide. Isn’t there some other signpost we can use to guide us?
Only this: When you find yourself overwhelmed by the menu in front of you, consider the outcome you’re trying to achieve. Does this thing you are thinking of doing allow you to reach that outcome? Then go ahead and do it.
And if visualizing the desired outcome illuminates other possibilities (as it often does), you can go with one of those. At that point, you can consider which path is most aligned with your values or what you want the experience to be like. For example, which option is fastest? Which is the easiest? Which is the cheapest? Which is the most deluxe? Which one seems like the most fun? Which is the least lonely? And so on.
Suppose you want to achieve fluency in a foreign language. Some people get obsessed with maintaining a streak on Duolingo and forget why they were doing it in the first place. Does doing every little exercise and winning every badge actually help a person learn the language that they are trying to learn? Sometimes, it's only a distraction.
Doing Duolingo every day can't compare to conversations with native speakers. So if you wanted to achieve fluency as efficiently as possible, you could let go of your streak and focus on live language lessons.
It's worth taking into account the result you're actually trying to achieve in order to decide how to use your precious resources of time and attention. This gives you a defense against the shiny new objects that other people flash in front of you. It allows you to say no with confidence even when the thing you’re saying no to is attractive and appealing.
Sure, you may still second-guess yourself. But when you run down the reasoning behind your decision, you will likely find that it still makes sense for you. Your position may have shifted, but your destination hasn’t changed.
Of course, as you grow and change, your destination might change, too. How do you really know the outcome you want? How can you be sure that your decision regarding that is correct?
Well, maybe you can’t. That is the beautiful thing and hard thing about being a person. But maybe you can think of life as a game you’re always playing rather than a finite test with a right answer.
As you go through life, you may find more and more paths are closed off based on choices you’ve already made. That may seem scary or limiting, but it can also be soothing. If you don’t like what you’re getting, you can still change your mind. But if you’re satisfied, all you need to do is keep going. That peace of mind is the reward for all of the tough choices you’ve already made. Enjoy it.
