Revising your status quo

For the woman who needs to get a head in 1966. (Tyne & Wear Archives & Museums)

Fashion is fascinating.

Among tastemakers and influentials, having a distinctive style is a must. Your job is to signal that you are someone with vision, boldness, and flair. You’re effortlessly unique and hip, with just the right amount of outrageousness, reminding mere mortals that you are a professional on a closed course — do not attempt these moves yourself.

And yet, before long, these edgy fashions make their way into the mainstream. Colorful hair, undercuts, sleeve tattoos, multiple piercings, pattern mixing, asymmetrical shirts, dresses with sneakers, androgynous clothing and styling — any of these things can be seen in a typical middle school classroom (well, maybe not the sleeve tattoos). In fact, these days, any style from any era is fair game. Aaliyah from 1998 is side by side with Katy Perry from 2008, not to mention a whole crew of girls and boys who look like they’re about to compete in a professional sporting event.

The irony is that the looks that allowed particular celebrity to stand out become a way to fit in…and, now that influencer culture has made its way to teenagers, standing out is another way to fit in. It may seem bizarre that your child is begging for goth makeup or a college sweatshirt large enough to use as a sleeping bag, but she’s facing the same questions of identity that we all must reckon with. She wants to be unique, just like everyone else.

The intense drive to fit in is understandable when you consider that, not too long ago, the price of non-conformity was to be cast out of the tribe, which meant certain death. The stakes are no longer so high, but we still behave as if they are. The task before us, as we reach maturity, is to be deliberate about how and where we choose to fit in, recognizing that we have choices.

Just as the seventh grader cares only about the opinions of the kids in her class, it can seem as though the society and culture we are part of is the only one going. The way people dress, talk, think, and amuse themselves begins to seem universal, along with their values and mores. We might catch ourselves defining “everyone” very narrowly, as in, “everyone goes skiing on the weekend,” or “everyone wears makeup and has a manicure,” or “everyone smokes pot.”

This becomes a problem when we don’t realize that we’re doing it. We may close ourselves off from opportunities if we’re too heavily invested in our insular community. Reading, traveling, and making an effort to connect with people outside our normal social circle can help to alleviate this tendency to close ranks and focus tightly on the tribe.

There comes a time for many of the families I work when they must face a significant break from the status quo they have become accustomed to. When their child is unable or unwilling to conform to the requirements of their school, a parent’s fantasy explodes. Instead of a popular, successful, talented thriving kid, they have a miserable, frustrated, lost one. There may be more ways to fit in than there used to be, but some of us will still stand helplessly outside the mainstream, unable to do the things that seem to come so easily to others.

It is normal to grieve; it’s normal to be afraid. But what you will find when you venture forth, being the weird family, is that you are not alone. Whether you carve out a community locally or online, you will find many other people who have had to face similar choices: giving up the large public school for a private one; giving up the elite private school for a humane alternative; pulling your child out of school completely for an extended period of time for treatment for a physical or mental illness; allowing your child to pursue a passionate interest or identity even though you worry what people will think; or uprooting your family to live in a way that is more consistent with your values. No matter what your situation, you’re not the only one who’s ever been in it. There is somewhere that you’ll fit in.

Whoever and whatever you want to be, there’s room in this world for you to be it. If that’s true for your child, it must be true for you and your family, too. What’s your next step toward a more joyful life?