My special situation
We’re probably not as unique as we think. (Image by TheDigitalArtist)
“If you have any questions, please reply all and we’ll start the discussion,” he said.
Not me, I thought. My question won’t apply to everyone.
But of course it did. And after I sent it to him, he asked if he could forward it to everyone else anyway so that he could share his answer.
I didn’t want to bother everyone, so I ended up bothering someone.
Ironically, my experience is not unique. I’m not the only one who has made the mistake of thinking that my circumstances are unusual, my situation is special, and I need to get one-on-one support.
Seeking this one-on-one guidance and waiting for instructions that pertain to my specific situation does not generally yield bold moves and a powerful impact on my part.
To the extent that I’ve been successful in an endeavor, it’s been the result of learning to generalize principles and ideas that are shared by others. It’s even better if I can pick up these principles and ideas as they are modeled by others rather than explicitly named and taught.
In general, however, I have found it challenging to learn from the example provided by others. I was not good at picking up on social cues as a kid, and I grew up in a small town without a lot of exposure to media other than books. My experience was narrow, and so was my access to the experiences of others.
On the other hand, my small town, Internet-less life meant that I had to be resourceful if there was something I really wanted to learn. And when I was a teenager, I desperately wanted to learn how to figure out songs by ear. I knew it was possible because I had seen my dad do it, so I taught myself how. And then, I taught myself to write songs by studying the ones I had figured out.
I do not believe that I had extraordinary talent as a sixteen-year-old. What I did have was time, determination, and confidence. That said, I’ve taught hundreds of music students over the past twenty years, and only a few have been able to figure out songs as freely and easily I did without direct instruction. And only a few moved on to writing their own songs.
Why is that? Well, unlike me, they had access to a teacher and to the entire Internet. Ironically, it didn’t occur to them that they could study the songs themselves and learn from them directly.
For a long time, I didn’t want to do this in a business context — in particular, in a marketing context. I was intimidated and sometimes even threatened by the work of others. It made me feel frustrated and inadequate to observe directly, so I paid for instruction in the form of books, courses, and coaching.
This, ironically, was the long way around. As long as I was learning, I didn’t have to be taking action. I didn’t have to do the hard work of testing my ideas in the real world. Thus, my progress was slow.
Even when I was given advice directly — advice I paid for — I didn’t always take it. “She doesn’t get it,” I would think to myself.
Naturally, I saw my peers in group programs exhibiting the same pattern. It seemed obvious that they should stop doing it their way — the way that wasn’t working — and just try the ideas they were being offered. It dawned on me that I could learn from their example and also stop resisting being told what to do.
In fact, I could take it a step further. I could learn from what the coach or teacher was doing, not just what she was telling me to do. If I got good at that, anyone could be my teacher — just as the Beatles, Bob Dylan, and Neil Young had been my music teachers all those years ago.
I didn’t have a special situation or unique circumstances. I was just like everyone else. That didn’t mean that I wasn’t cut out to achieve what I wanted to. On the contrary, it meant that if someone else had achieved something, I probably could, too.
These days, I’m willing to copy ideas from others, but that doesn’t mean I’m averse to hiring help to get better. My greater willingness to learn from others means that I’ve improved at being able to receive advice and redirection. Little by little, I’m letting go of the notion that if the teacher only understood my situation, they would tell me something different. I know now that I’m the one who needs to get with the program, not them. Increasingly, like my teenage self, I have the confidence to do that.
