Let's stop asking kids what their favorites are

An entourage provides a layer of defense against silly questions. (Photograph of Hulda Lundager by Jens Hansen Lundager, State Library of Queensland)

Conversation with children has a different flavor than conversation with adults.

The usual give-and-take is not always present. The sequence of topics may be illogical by adult standards.

To be fair, however, the pacing and sequence of topics may be illogical by kid standards, too. And that’s because well-meaning adults often try to “get to know” kids by asking them questions that they would never ask a fellow adult. These questions often revolve around favorites (favorite color, favorite school subject, favorite thing about the trip you just took).

“What’s your favorite…?” is not going to get you very far.

By adolescence, kids organize tribes and fandoms around their favorites and will defend them endlessly and vigorously. (I refer you to the great Fortnite vs. PUBG debates of 2018 and the passionate “Which is the best Star Wars movie?'“ analyses of 2017). Teens are just waiting for a peer to spar with about their pet topics — but not usually an adult. So unless you are well-versed in the arcana of a teen’s chosen pop culture preferences, this is likely to be a dead end.

With younger children, you’ll fare no better. When you ask an eight-year-old, “What’s your favorite animal?”, they will either answer quickly with a response they’ve already prepared (“Panda bears!”), or you’ll be subjected to an uncomfortable few minutes as they probe this fundamental question of their own identity with all the gravity of planning their own funeral arrangements.

If you are genuinely interested in someone’s preferences, regardless of their age, you might relieve the pressure of having to define their capital-F Favorite by asking more open-ended questions. “What is your favorite song?” could at least be replaced with, “What are some of your favorite songs?” or “What kind of music do you like?” You could also ask more meaningful questions such as, “What makes a great day for you?” or “How do you think family members can get along better?”

There are better ways to get to know people, though. If you want to connect with adolescents, treat them like adults (which usually means not asking random intrusive questions).

If you want to connect with younger children, be in the moment with them. Talk about things as they come up. Asking questions is how adults get to know each other because adults have pasts they can talk about. Children don’t! They are building their histories now, through the experiences they are having. It’s a privilege to be able to share those experiences with them — and that’s an ideal way to build a relationship with a child.

We needn’t feel a sense of inadequacy or ill-preparedness when engaging with children and adolescents. We don’t need a gimmick or a particular shtick. We don’t need to ask certain questions — or any questions at all. There isn’t a script that must be followed or a “cool grownup” archetype we need to satisfy. We can let the interaction unfold organically and naturally. We can just be ourselves — and let the kids do the same.