Let it flow and let it go

We’ve got to let it grow, too. It’s usually not too hard. (Image by Bundschatten)

I dreamed that I came up with an exercise plan that I was trying to promote.

In the dream, I was like, “How did I get here?”

Because the exercise plan was really simple. It basically boiled down to this: Challenge yourself a little bit every week, and when you fall short of your own expectations in some way, be kind to yourself and try again.

See, you just got it for free. You’re welcome.

Both parts of the plan—which could be the foundation for any plan for learning, growing, or changing—are important.

First, we've got to try to do something we don't already know how to do or haven't done already. That's the fun of being alive. Humans are meant to learn, grow, and change.

Second, in the process, we must make it safe to fail, be confused, and get it wrong. That's an inevitable part of doing something we don't already know how to do or haven't done already.

It's easy to see how we go wrong. We expect ourselves to get things right on the first try, and then we get angry at ourselves for not getting things right on the first try. Thus, we've made the whole experience so unpleasant that we quit.

My exercise plan ensures success. You never take on so much that you're asking yourself to do the impossible, but you expect yourself to mess up anyway. That way, when you do mess up, you're not disappointed, and you can keep going without making it a big deal.

There are lots of ways to mess up. When you think about it, there are far more ways to mess up than there are to succeed: The dart board is small and the bullseye is smaller. We're going to have to expect to be messing up most of the time. In fact, we can reframe "messing up" as simply "attempts," which are all part of "practice."

One way to mess up is to not show up. Even this is part of the process; even this can be overcome. You can try again the next time.

In the dream, I had a sinking feeling when the people around me were trying to help me promote my exercise plan. I knew it probably wasn't going to work. These were unglamorous truths I was trying to sell. People weren't going to want to bother with my plan.

The irony, of course, is that even though it isn't fancy, my way does get results if you try it. If you have a thing you want to do, you can test out my plan.

Here's how it works: You do the thing, then keep doing it. Stick with it long enough to experience a little failure and a little success. Quit when you've had enough, and come back later.

You may have noticed, having probably tried "my" plan in the past, that it's easier to stick with the work at hand when you aren't second-guessing yourself. When you're not getting frustrated with yourself for not moving fast enough or doing it perfectly. You just let it flow, and when you make a mistake, you let it go. It's exactly like meditation. It is meditation.

The simplest ideas in the world are often the hardest ones to master. Even with a simple exercise plan, there are details to manage: How do I figure out exactly the level of challenge that's appropriate for me? How do I know that my technique is correct? It's helpful to have a coach to go on the journey with you, along with peers to cheer you on and keep you accountable.

No matter how much we add or subtract, however, the core is always going to be the same: We have to learn to find joy in the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

As we grow, that gap never closes; we never stop finding new things we want to do. We have to expect and embrace false starts, confusion, and plateaus as part of the learning process.

Inevitably, we will require multiple attempts to achieve our goals, and the goals keep getting bigger. This process doesn't have to be painful; it can bring great satisfaction if we know how to navigate it.

Nobody is going to get rich from selling good old-fashioned advice on perseverance and self-compassion. That doesn't diminish its wisdom. I'll probably forget it ten times today, but I'll keep reminding myself as I work through the challenging things on my list, learning to be both strong and gentle. Firm and kind. Getting it wrong and trying again. Letting it flow and letting it go.