If it's for my own good, why does it feel so bad?

The easiest way for my family to save money is to cook more meals at home.

Obviously, saving money for the future is a smart move that offers a direct benefit to me personally.

And yet, when it comes to the moment of making breakfast, packing lunch, or preparing dinner, I often feel like following this plan is a torture of someone else’s devising.

The same dynamic is present when it comes to kids and schoolwork. We’ve seen the moving TED talks where kids in Kenya or India talk about how desperate they are to have an education and how grateful they are to be able to go to school. But to kids who already have the amazing privileges of speaking English, living in the United States, Internet access, and literate parents, formal education doesn’t carry as dramatic a promise of advancement. It doesn’t feel like an incredible gift — it feels like a burden and a bother.

Ironically, part of the solution is education. Students need to learn what life is like in other parts of the world in order to have more perspective on their own culture. Closer to home, we can help them to see the entire trajectory of their educational career. We can explicitly teach them how what they are doing today will help them reach their goals tomorrow.

Honestly, though, that’s not going to do it. We all need some kind of immediate reward in order to stick with a budget, exercise program, or another long-term plan. Because even though the whole thing is for our own good, it doesn’t always feel that way in the short term. That’s why having an accountability partner, making X’s on a calendar, or giving ourselves little treats is so important. I know I’ll slog through anything for a tiny piece of dark chocolate.

I’m not suggesting that you bribe your kids with candy to make them do their homework. I’m saying two things:

One, we can have empathy for kids in their reluctance to do their work, to notice that we are looking out for their best interests, or to acknowledge the privileges they have. They aren’t ungrateful turds; they are normal humans.

Two, we can teach them to give themselves rewards and cannily manage their own motivation. At The Little Middle School, we help kids to learn how good it feels to get all your work done on time and not have any obligations over the weekend. We give them outdoor time once they’ve completed their work, making sure that the connection is explicit. We talk about tactics that can be used at home (like taking a sip of a favorite beverage after solving a problem) to make work easier to stomach.

I still slip into resentment from time to time. “Why is she fighting me so hard on this? Doesn’t she know I’m trying to teach this to her for her benefit?” But self-righteousness is a short-lived pleasure. Ultimately, I have to accept that my students are humans like me, acting in their own best interest. And [finishes up a bowl of ice cream] it’s a lot easier to act upon the short-term implications than the long-term ones.

It’s a personal problem and a societal one. Books like The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg, One Small Step Can Change Your Life: The Kaizen Way by Robert Maurer, and Switch by Chip & Dan Heath are full of fascinating ideas on what to do about it. A little compassion for ourselves and each other is warranted as we try, fail, and try again to follow through on our obligations and try to move toward where we want to be.