Confident creation

We figure things out through reflection, but also through action. (Image by 愚木混株 Cdd20)

I go through phases in which writing is really difficult.

During periods of personal growth, I don’t yet have perspective on what I’m experiencing, so it’s hard to write about that.

At the same time, the changes I’m going through cause me to question what I thought I knew, so it’s hard to write about that.

I handle this by continuing to write. I like to think that by writing when it’s not easy, I’m going deeper into my craft and getting better. I don’t know if that’s true, but it helps.

I’ve been through this cycle a number of times, and eventually I do find myself writing with more confidence. Would I have gotten there if I had just given myself a break? I don’t know.

However, I recently tried an experiment with TikTok. I decided to skip making videos when I didn’t feel up to making videos. I didn’t have the time, didn’t have the energy, didn’t have the ideas, didn’t have the right lighting, et cetera. It was easy to find a reason not to make a video.

Well, guess what? I haven’t made a video in weeks. I have not managed to cycle back to confident creation. I lost momentum and essentially quit.

I find this fascinating. Yeah, it’s hard to come up with ideas. Yeah, it’s hard to show up on camera. But I did it when it was my intention to do it. That means that I could still do it, even when I don’t think I can do it — just like I somehow write when I don’t think I can write.

I don’t think that I must require myself to create videos on TikTok every day, forever. There are only so many activities you can layer into a life. Still, it has been a good lesson. I will do what I expect myself to do. And while I can’t expect myself to do everything all the time, I can be clever about what I expect myself to do so that I can get the results I want.

So what results do I want? Well, I want to make things. I want to have made things — to be able to point to a thing and say, “I made that.” It’s so simple, really.

In order to make things, I have to set up my life to prioritize making things, which is a lot less simple. There are lots of obstacles.

But I can look back over the past few weeks and see that, even though I was dealing with difficult things, I kept writing. The same excuses I used to rationalize not making videos did not prevent me from writing.

Is writing easier than making videos? Sort of. I don’t have to put on makeup to write. However, there have definitely been times over the past few months when making videos felt easier. I’m not sure that seeking an objective truth is all that useful here.

Paradoxically, I create more confidently when I am creating more. Instead of one video or blog post, I’ll make several. This reduces the pressure on any individual one and keeps me in a state of flow in which I am able to suspend judgment about myself and my work.

And while breaks are valuable, I function best when I’ve got a little momentum going. That comes from continuing to do the work regardless of how I’m feeling — regardless of how lost and confused and overwhelmed I might be.

At the very least, I stay in a routine that I know will pay off because I’ve seen it happen before. But at best, I might create something that I’m really proud of. Only one way to find out.