Can you believe in someone more than they believe in themselves?

The nest comes before the egg. (Image by Dennis Larsen)

A friend of mine told me about a conversation with a business coach she had been considering working with.

The coach said to her, “I can’t believe in you more than you believe in yourself.”

Which seemed reasonable, until my friend realized that that’s actually what she was seeking to hire a coach to do.

I do love these delicious pieces of so-called conventional wisdom (“everyone has a special gift,” “nothing worthwhile ever comes easy,”) that turn out to be utterly absurd when you unpack them. Of course a teacher or coach can believe in someone more than they believe in themselves. You could argue that that’s their main role.

I’m working with a thirteen-year-old right now in math, and it’s my job to hold the vision for where he’s going. Little by little, I can help him to build his confidence and get him on board, but that’s a long process. At no point do I expect him to have a firmer belief than I do in his ability to undertake this journey and prevail. His job at this point is simply to trust me and do what I ask of him.

Of course, a business coach gets to be choosy about whom she works with. She can seek only those clients who already have a profound belief in themselves and a sense of vision. Maybe she’s only there to help with some practical, tactical things. However, I would argue that a client like that would grow far more as a result of working with a coach with an even bigger vision and belief.

That’s how I choose my coaches and teachers, for sure. There’s a profound confidence and safety that comes from having someone else to illumine the lights farther down the path. It’s invaluable to have someone who can build you up when you’re feeling down and remind you what you are capable of. I have to laugh imagining myself, in a moment of self-doubt, getting beat up by a coach whose belief sinks to match mine.

In fact, the most rewarding part of being a teacher or coach is seeing who someone can become and bearing witness as they transform. As you practice doing this, it takes less and less effort to do it for each new person. With experience, you become familiar with the patterns and can begin to see deeper into what the future could hold and what strategies will help the person to get there. This doesn’t depend on a lot of emotional energy and sacrifice. Believing in someone more than they believe in themselves is a normal, everyday part of the job.

If I encounter someone whose goals I don’t understand or don’t believe can become a reality, then I am not the right coach or teacher for them. It’s as simple as that. Even if I’ve worked well with someone for awhile, when I can no longer see where they are going or how they can get there, it is then time for them to move on. This lack of belief on my part could stem from a concern about that person’s capacity, or it might be a result of my own inability to get them to the next level because they are growing past my capacity. Either way, they need to once again find a mentor who can believe in them.

Believing in someone doesn’t mean that you do more work than they do or drag them across the finish line. But every day, parents are doing the hard work of guiding their young children toward a future that only they, as adults, can fully grasp — and one day, only the children will be around to see that future. It’s how societies are built and how culture is transmitted. It’s a fundamental human dynamic to help others grow — to accomplish more together than we ever could on our own. We believe in each other, and thus we realize our potential.