Being gentle is underrated

Delicate isn’t a synonym for “weak.” (mage by Capri23auto)

Is there a chance that you subscribe to the notion that children (and humans in general) are fundamentally wicked creatures who must be coerced into doing right?

Or might you believe that the only way to get yourself to do anything is to be browbeaten or shamed into it?

I have discovered that these attitudes are prevalent around me — so much so that people don’t even realize that they have them. They don’t even know that there is another way.

You can guide someone (including yourself) to grow, learn, and accomplish things by being gentle.

Now, I can’t convince you, conclusively, that this is true. I have only anecdotal evidence that gentleness is the way to go. But I can tell you what a difference it’s made to be gentle with myself.

When I stopped beating myself up for the ways in which I was imperfect or failing and instead, celebrated my own accomplishments, life got a lot easier. I grew more confident.

It didn’t matter whether my accomplishment was something that literally anyone could do or something I was expected to do. It still deserved a moment of acknowledgment.

I stopped calling myself names and getting frustrated every time I messed up. Whenever I could, I gave myself soothing words and let myself take breaks as needed.

Perhaps the level of success I have experienced as a result of these changes would not be high enough for you. However, I can say that it is higher than what it was before I shifted my approach. Being gentle with myself is what works for me. I’m happier and more productive.

Being gentle seems to work for my students and the people I coach, too. But what’s interesting is the overwhelming amount of resistance people have to the idea that gentle encouragement could be the superior approach.

Why would someone get angry at the suggestion that it’s not necessary to tell yourself that, for instance, you’re worthless if you don’t study for a test? Why would they balk at the notion that it’s okay to get the wrong answer or mess something up?

We cling to our stories, even when they cause us pain. Especially when they cause us pain. If we’ve invested a lot of energy in believing something that makes us feel like crap, giving up that story means that we did it all for nothing. It may also constitute a betrayal of the person who gave us that story — who may be one of the people we love most in the world.

This particular story goes deep. If we have always been motivated by fear, shame, nagging, and criticism, what happens when we allow ourselves to let go of all of that? Won’t we just sit around and do nothing?

True, without the constant pressure of feeling like you’re a Thoroughbred being driven by a particularly sadistic jockey, you may slow down. You may drop things you don’t want to do or be content with smaller accomplishments. You may give up on everything for awhile and be the unproductive slug you feared you would become.

After awhile, though, you may find that you begin to do things because you want to do them instead of feeling that you have to. You may find that you enjoy listening to the gentle, encouraging voices around you — whether they come from your teachers, parents, or other mentors — and you seek them out more often. You may even find that the nagging, unyielding voice inside your head has been replaced by a kind and humane one.

From this point, you may be astonished at what you can accomplish when you’re unencumbered by the fear of disappointing yourself and others. Released from the shackles of your expectations of perfection, you can try things, experiment, and enjoy your work.

Paradoxically, treating yourself gently — and experiencing gentle treatment from your mentors — gives you a strength and toughness that allows you to push through discomfort, fear, and frustration to do things you’re proud of. What might happen if you give it a try?