"I am so bad at this."

Another thing I’m bad at! (Image by Mabel Amber, still incognito... from Pixabay)

The stories we tell ourselves can help us our hurt us. The ways in which we measure ourselves can reinforce the awful story or help us to build a new one.

We keep the awful stories out of habit. There’s something comforting about clinging to the story that reinforces what we’ve always believed, even when it makes us feel terrible.

A story like, “I keep thinking I’ll be good at things, but I’m always bad at them.”

For the benefit of people who are carrying around a narrative like this one, I’d like to deconstruct it, speaking directly to them.

“Bad” is a label. There are some things that are bad by definition: bad apples, bad smells, the bad guys in a movie. But really, everything in the world that we call “bad” is based on someone’s opinion.

When you call yourself “bad,” it’s just your opinion. The resulting misery and shame is based on your own judgment of yourself, not that of others.

You think you’re walking through the world seeking things that you’re good at, but you’re actually looking to add to the list of things that you are bad at. You try something new, like making conversation with a new group of people over lunch, and get angry with yourself that you’re bad at that, too. But you’re also getting a benefit: You don’t have to change your story or yourself.

What does it mean to be “bad at,” for instance, connecting with new people? It means whatever you decide that it means. There’s no panel of judges somewhere giving rankings on such things. It’s completely inside your own mind.

The other choice, when experiencing something new, is to have an experience on its own terms. Your bowling ball hits the pins, or it doesn’t. You sing the right notes, or you don’t. You are witty and interesting in conversation, or you’re not. You do the thing exactly like your boss wants you to, or you don’t. Either way, none of these outcomes represent permanent states of being, and none of them require you to label or judge yourself as bad. You can always get better at a particular skill, or leave it alone and decide to focus on things you value more. Whatever you choose, there’s nothing wrong with you.

I’m sorry that you learned, somewhere along the line, that it was necessary to make sure you knew you were bad. I’m sorry that someone gave you that message, and I’m sorry that you’ve been burdened by it all this time. You don’t deserve it.

You don’t like it either, but how can you stop? You’ve got an elaborate thing going, keeping track of everything you’re bad at and constantly discovering new things to add to the list. To let go of it means that you’ve been wrong, which is as bad as being bad at something.

There’s another way to frame it: You have done the best you could with the information that you had, and now there’s new information. This new narrative says that you’re okay just as you are. You’re not going to dazzle us by being a champion windsurfer your first time out, but that doesn’t mean you’re bad at it, either. Your skills are neutral — undeveloped. That’s boring, but just fine.

Maybe the voice in your head (whose is it?) says that it’s not okay to be neutral and boring; it’s not okay to be just okay. But the constant striving for greatness in order to please this voice — the never ending quest to find things that you are automatically good at, or hopefully, amazing at — is hurting you. Keeping high standards may seem like the one thing you can control, but if you never reach them and the voice is never happy, you’re hurting yourself.

If you want to change, help is out there. Changing can be difficult. It takes practice and self-compassion. but it can be done. Life without labels is less exciting and dramatic, but it is much more satisfying. I hope you can get there. You don’t need to be good at it right off the bat — but that doesn’t mean you’re bad at it. It means you’re learning and growing.