Back to basics
They’re watching, but it feels like they’re waiting. (Smithsonian Institution)
I started making videos on TikTok as an experiment.
That’s sort of like taking heroin as an experiment. Both practices mess with your neurotransmitters like crazy and can take over your life.
Creators on TikTok are rewarded with attention early on, meaning that I now have an audience of a size that I was not adequately prepared for.
But I know what to do. It’s the same stuff that I’ve always tried to do, however much I may resist actually doing it. I need to ensure that I have time and space with no one else’s voice in my head. Ironically, to make things that other people might appreciate, I have to forget about them for awhile. In order to keep happily creating, I need to focus on the process and not the outcome.
On a practical level, this means going back to basics. I’m reinstating my old habit of writing in the morning right when I wake up, before looking at my phone. I’m taking walks and doing chores with no soundtrack. I’m getting enough sleep and exercise and eating well. And I’m carefully managing the inputs — news, ideas, feedback, requests — that I engage with.
I have often found writing difficult during times of significant growth or change. When I have no perspective on what I’m going through because I’m right in the middle of it, it’s hard to say anything about it. However, if it’s dominating my experience, it’s hard to not say anything about it. So when I sit down to write, nothing that emerges seems worthy of sharing.
But if I’ve committed to sharing regularly and have more people tuning in to hear what I have to say, I’ve got to come up with something, right?
Pulled in two different directions simultaneously, I stay right where I am. And in the past, I have tended to see that as being stuck. But today, I don’t think that’s actually what it is. Maybe it’s actually a different level of presence. If I’m immobile, I have to fully experience my current situation. And I might see things there that I didn’t see before — and that is the recipe for creating something interesting, even if it’s only interesting to me.
Perhaps at some point, my well will run dry and I’ll need to go out there in search of new ideas and experiences in order to have something to share. But for now, continuing to do the same old boring stuff is working.
This is a cycle I’ve been through before. When no one knew about this blog, it didn’t matter what I wrote. When people started reading and subscribing, it was like having guests over and feeling self-conscious about my decor and refreshments. I started to question everything I was saying. I had to figure out how to write with other people in mind without letting them get into my head.
What did I do to fix that? Well, it’s an ongoing process, and some days I’m able to do it better than others. The important thing, for me, is just to keep going. To write and create often enough that it’s simply part of my day that I don’t question, like brushing my teeth or going out to get the mail.
A feedback cycle is part of that process of creation. I can pay attention to what’s working and what’s not. I can engage with the people who are responding to my work and hear what they have to say. But not in the moment of actually making the thing. In this moment, on a dark, cool summer morning in Maine, I am as alone as I can ever be. And that’s just what I need in order to connect meaningfully with others.
